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Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

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"Dave Barry is one funny human."--San Francisco ExaminerFor thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is:...
"Dave Barry is one funny human."--San Francisco ExaminerFor thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is:...
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  • "Dave Barry is one funny human."
    --San Francisco Examiner

    For thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is: virtually nothing. Deep down inside, guys are extremely shallow.

    But that has not stopped Dave Barry from writing an entire book about them. If you're a guy--or if you're attempting to share a remote control with one--you need this book, because it deals frankly and semi-thoroughly with such important guy issues as:

    The role of guys in world history, including the heretofore-unknown relationship between the discovery of North America and golf
    Why the average guy can remember who won the 1960 World Series, but not necessarily the names of all his children
    The Noogie Gene
    Why guys cannot simultaneously think and look at breasts
    Secret guy orgasm-delaying techniques, including the Margaret Thatcher Method
    Why guys prefer to believe that there is no such thing as a prostate
    And much, much more

    "Whether you're a guy--or attempting to share a bathroom with one--Barry has some wacky words of wisdom for you."
    --USA Today

    From the Trade Paperback edition.

  • From the book

    The Role of Guysin History
    Men Went to the Moon,
    but Guys Invented Mooning

    Guys have played an important role in history, but this role has not been
    given the attention it deserves, because nobody wrote it down. Guys are
    not conscientious about writing. Take thank-you notes. When a couple gets
    married, the bride very quickly--sometimes right after her new husband
    passes out in their honeymoon-suite hot tub--starts composing personalized
    notes thanking their wedding guests for all the lovely gifts (". . . I
    didn't know they even made a traveling case for the Salad Shooter").
    The bride will keep this up until she has written every single guest; if
    it was a really big wedding, she may still be thanking people after her
    divorce ("Aunt Esther, the meat fork is beautiful, and I expect to get
    many happy years of use from it once the surgeons extract it from Roger").
    Very few guys write thank-you notes, or any other kind of note. Guys would
    probably commit a lot more kidnappings if they weren't required to write
    ransom notes.

    My point is that, because guys don't write things down, they are not well
    represented in the history books. You'll find countless references to men,
    however, because men like to record every detail of their lives, for
    posterity. Alexander the Great, for example, kept a diary, so that today
    we can read, in his own handwriting, exactly what he was doing on any
    given day, as is shown by these actual excerpts:

    327 B.C., Nov. 4--Cloudy today. Conquered Asia Minor.
    324 B.C., Jan. 6--Note: Find out what "B.C." stands for.
    323 B.C., May 17--Died at an early age.

    But what about the average guy in Alexander the Great's army? What about
    his contributions to history? Yes, it is important that Alexander extended
    the influence of such legendary Greek philosophers as Aristotle throughout
    most of the civilized world, thus significantly affecting the development
    of Western thought and culture to this very day; but is it not also
    important that, at the same time, some of his lowly foot soldiers were
    perfecting the Rubber Spear Trick, or determining that the letters in
    "Aristotle" can be rearranged to spell "A Tit Loser"?1
    That is the kind of historical guy accomplishment I'm going to explore in
    this chapter, starting with a discussion of:
    Prehistoric Guys

    Prehistory was a very difficult time for humans. Hostile, vicious,
    person-eating predators roamed the Earth. Disease was rampant. Mortality
    rates were horrific. The automatic bank teller was still only a dream.
    Back then the clan was the basic unit2 of society, with the roles of males
    and females clearly defined. The females cared for the young and gathered
    roots, which they would soak in water,
    1Also "Tater Silo."
    210 clans 5 one tribe.
    then peel, then painstakingly pound for hours between two heavy rocks, and
    finally throw away. "We may be primitive, but we're not stupid enough to
    eat roots," was their feeling.

    Thus the basic food-gathering responsibility fell on the shoulders of the
    males, who would go off for days at a time to hunt the mighty dinosaur.
    This was hard work. They had to dig an enormous deep hole, then disguise
    it by covering it with frail branches,3 then hide in the bushes, waiting
    for a mighty dinosaur to come along and fall into the trap. The hunters
    often waited for long periods, because, unbeknownst to them, dinosaurs had
    become extinct several million years earlier.

    So the males sat around a lot. Some of them eventually became fidgety and
    went on to develop agriculture, invent primitive tools,4 etc. But...

About the Author-
  • Dave Barry is a professional journalist. In this capacity, he has test-fired a potato cannon, driven the world's fastest lawnmower, barfed in an F-16 fighter jet, played the part of a corpse in an opera, picked his son up at junior high school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, and used a sparking Barbie doll to set fire to a pair of underpants on national television. But he also has a frivolous side.

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